How to Market the Unmarketable

Recently an inspiring moment brought me deep into thought.

In our office, we had been inviting a famous author to visit, and his books were piled on the receptionist's desk. I commented to the receptionist, perhaps we should create an image of lack of demand for his book when he visits.

One seemingly far-fetched solution was to "read" the books and put the well worn copies on the shelf. And certainly the idea of creating such a business to make realistic "read" and "well worn" books without the owner having actually to read the books themselves. (Or even, they can order these special "used" books, which are guaranteed to be worn but not actually dirty)


Many ideas came to mind in the technical aspects of "reading" books. Stains, of course, we will stain the books, add aroma. Mark the books with thoughtful notes. Add accidental rips and tears, or even have a copy without cover. Folds in the book for those days when we're without a book mark. Simulation of oxidation is certainly easy through heat, applying oxygen, or treatment with chemicals.

Having day dreamed for nearly an hour about all the premium services (rush service, holiday service, fake autograph....) that we could provide, we realize a vital problem.

The problem is simple. If the visiting author knew that such service exists, and is provided, professionally, by a company, he will never believe the copies on your shelf, which you've either carefully prepared or forced all of your employees to read, are really read.

So, how do you market a product who's essential value depends on the said product to not be known to its target market?

On a separate occasion, I phrased the question as this: If you had a love potion (to a girl obviously), and it would only work if the person it is being applied to do not suspect that it is being used on him when he falls in love (or later). How would you make money en masse? In terms of a solution to this, since the measure of suspicion is subjective, the one counter measure is price. If the price of the product is high enough, it reduces the suspicion one would have. If her boy friend earns less in 10 years than the price of one small portion of the love potion, certainly she would not suspect him, and the drug would remain in force.


A third statement of the problem leads us to yet a different solution. Suppose that we're in a slightly different situation, where by there is a magician (or witch, or some supernatural being of one shape or form) is able to perform a fixed miracle, but it is contingent on that the effects of the miracle is not ever described by the seller or the buyer. This problem is easier to solve: one simply advertise a product in it's basic properties ("I have a pill to sell you for $1") The agreement between the seller and the buyer is that neither will speak the consequence of the pill, understanding the consequence of describing its effects. The buyer consumes the pill, and experiences the effect. He is satisfied, and the seller keeps the money.

The problem now is what happens if the buyer is unsatisfied? If there is no money back guarantee, then this transaction certainly won't take place. If there is a money back guarantee, then he might always ask for money back having experienced the effect. And if the seller wants to maintain it's effects as much as the buyer, he is certainly not able to argue in court about the buyer's lack of grounds to ask for money back.

A simple solution might be for the business ninja to negotiate with the magician. He would ask for a pill with full effect that expires within a short period of time (say a week.) He would give free pills without description and ask that the future buyer not mention its effects. First one is free, but the rest cost money at progressive more expensive price as the buyer become more dependent and more certain of the pill's effect.

This marketing and advertising problem applies also to some existing products and services. Websites that arrange for married couple to have affairs. Virus sellers, who's virus will be detected and defeated if it becomes too popular or if it is purchased by government or other agencies. Providers of subliminal messaging. Political campaigning for hire. Religious leader for hire. (Hmm, these are not strictly the same problem as before, since the target market is, for the most part, not in danger from the knowledge); Makeup. Makeup artists. Fashion designer (any where uniqueness and exclusiveness is of value).

Even this blog, perhaps violates it's own secrecy requirement. Which is that if you know this, and I know this, I would re-evaluate just about every product and suspect every thing else, even my own paranoia is in suspicion.

A Relation Protecting Plan for the Masses

One should sell a service to cover gifting and pleasantries required during human mating ritual.

Basic coverage would, after monthly premium, cover reminder service, selection, and purchasing of flowers on each date, gifts on birthdays, anniversary reminders, and occasional makeup gift in case of fights.

Extended coverage would cover 5-yrs, 1000 dates which ever comes first.

Premium package will cover all holiday gifting, party logistics, in laws, and up to 2 babies.

Ultra premium package will cover gifts, necessary "make-up" acts, or "get-him/her-back" necessities, in the case of infidelity or extra-relational activities that are deemed unacceptable (see details on page 101)

Comprehensive coverage. All of the above, but covers in reverse (so, it buys flowers for your date to gift you), and in case of infidelity, covers bribery fees to keep the other side quiet and away.

If I could implement this... I would probably be very very rich...

(Or broke, on failing to account for human greed and lust properly)

sigh.

Bank Of America

"My name is Xyz, and I'm a senior Finanacial Advisor at Bank of America"


So, recently, my bank charged me overdraft fee, even though there was plenty of money in the account. Here is how it happened:

1.) I write a check, and give it to somebody

2.) I negotiated, and got a different price, person agrees to refund, but says already deposited.

3.) I put in a check stop, (for $30, but worth it)

4.) Bank charges me for the check stop (listed before #5)

5.) Check comes through, and exceeds what was in the account (since I expected it to be less)

6.) Several other checks and charges come to the account due to regularly scheduled payments ON THE SAME DAY, just after the overdraft of the large check.

7.) Even though there is enough amount of money in the account to cover all but the stopped check, all payments were charged overdraft fee!!

8.) I spend an hour on the phone with their Senior something: "But sir!!! this is how the bank industry works! We give money away, even though there is not enough, and it'll take us a day to notice. In the mean time, we'll actually make your ballance negative, and sit here and charge you for each payment that comes through. This is right! and this is how everybody does it, and more importantly, I think it's right"

9.) me: "But wait! You didn't look at my check? I gave you enough information to stop it! why didn't stop? And if there wasn't enough money in the account to pay, why not charge me over draft for that one charge, and not charge me for the other charges to this account?"

10.) "That's just how it works. And I've tried to explain to you...., and the thick book that you got when you opened the account also explains it, and we expect that you looked at it. that's just how the industry works."

evil? unethical? greedy? Or just a great business practice?

How many times has it been?

Missed a payment to BoA, credit card suddenly began to accumulate interest at 9.9% APR.

Sad, this must be like the hundredth time I missed a payment on a large debt and lost 0% APR special rates. Why do I even fall for it in the first place? The bank made something like $100 on the balance transfer fee for what? A call from service representative,... sigh,... add this to the hundred million things on "I'll never do that again" again.

Buying bulk is cheap

It is well known in the business world that buying bulk is cheap.

About half a year ago, I purchased about 30 ink cartridge for my ink-jet printer. I felt fairly happy that I took this bold step, and congratulating myself on making a good business decision. Fast forward 6 months, yesterday, while printing, I needed a new cartridge, and when I retrieved a box, I discover that the cartridge in this box was empty (in fact an entirely empty cartridge packaged in a brand new box.) Since it's been 6 months, I've long lost the receipts, and who sold me these cartridge..... What a smart business to do this?? Even if I found it at time of purchase, it would still be a bit of fuss before I can get them to replace this defective cartridge.

To do for future purchase:

sample: open some fraction of the packages(maybe 5 of 30) uniformly sampled from the box, or preferring the bottom, since this would decrease the likelihood of timely discovery. Make sure that these cartridge don't look obviously broken or used as was the case.

more Credit Card issues

Note, that 0% APR ballance transfer has:

• Finance charges (a percentage, but often with an upper limit)
• Very high interest rates after the offer period expires.
• And that you cannot write a check for the entire credit line: leave room to pay for finance charges.

Fixed rates can be changed with 15 day notice.

Talk to the boss

So, the saga continues with the car insurance company.

This time, a month later, the cheque for damage to the car still hasn't arrived. Call back, and the insurance agent does not respond. Finally, I reach his boss (extension in his answering machine). The boss checks and tells me that it hasn't been mailed yet. I demand that he send it to me, and he politely agrees.

So, apparently the message "... if this is an emergency, you can reach my manager..." was a "... if you ever want your check, call this number...", and I can't sue them for the delay because, well, they left a message with instructions.

sheesh!

Symantec rebate

In 2006, Symantec sold free internet security software at outpost.com
The $70 rebate came in the mail in the form of two charge cards (50+20). It's a debit card without pin. One has to specify at the cash register (twice) that it's should be charged as a credit card.

The problem with this is that the charge, if exceeds the amount remaining on the card, will be refused. And since you don't have the pin, you won't know how much is left.

The card, then expires December 2007, conveniently keeping what ever change you couldn't get out of it. Note that the rebate is two cards, not one worth $70. Definitely, another sales trick to make back the change.

Auction trick

I heard of this one from a talk by a proud startup owner, but I'm sure it's one of the oldest tricks in the book.

In an auction of non-unique items, keep track of the losing bidders, and offer to them, in private, lower price for the same good they bid for, at the price they offered to buy at during the auction. This increases the volume of sales but optimizes the price.

Without knowledge of it, all participants in the auctions are at loss.
Ohh... BTW, the startup, making millions, actually does this automatically while the owner sits there and watch his eBay store earn money.

Sprint

The quality of your connection (number of calls dropped, the sound quality) changes over the time of your contract with the company. Also If you request them to honor a promise of free phone, rebates, or other savings, that they decided to conveniently forget, then you will notice, very immediate drop in quality of the sound and increase in number of calls dropped. The change is so instantaneous that one almost suspect that there is a routine that computes the amount of money your account is paying, and will be paying, and changes the quality of your call based on that.

Landlord

Lease: "This lease last a year, from October 30 XXXX to Nov 31 XXXX+1"... 13 month year.
Lease: Say, very politely, that the tenant has to put up with occasional remodeling/construction. Then do major remodeling, using cheap contractor that works from 8am to 11:30pm...

Favorite saying: "Again, that clause about XXXX carcinogenic chemical/material in the building is required by law. I personally really don't think there's any in the unit." (here "I" is an agent, who spends maybe an hour a day at the apartment once a year).


Credit Check: Landlord are not allowed to ask possible tenant to bring credit information. There appears to be a law against it to prevent rental discrimination. But of course, they still do ask if she thinks you don't know about the law.


Eviction
Well, there are many ways:

A.) Claim that a 30 year old washing machine was vandalized. Lock the laundry room to make it in convenient for the residents.


B.) Turn water off for repairs repeatedly for several weeks.


C.) Tow cars away immediately whenever reported.

Car Insurance

Insurance company: Admit fault, give a large estimate on the damaged on the car. (hopefully, that was on paper)
Insurance company, another agent: calls you up, asks for the medical bill, mumbles something about a separate check for the car damage (Car damage, thankfully is far more than the medical bill). Sends you the check for it, and a release that disconnects them from any and all legal responsibilities.

You: Deposit the check, and signs the release..., not realizing that you don't have the check for the car, and up a river with out ..., a car.

Zero-percent-apr

Well, this story is often retold.

When you receive a special promotion on a credit card. Often, you may not notice until some time later, that the newest deal applies to only newest spending.

This means, all these months, that you sat there enjoying your zero percent APR, the balance in the account is still accruing finance charges.

Now, the trick here is that you can't pay off the debt that is collecting interest, until you've paid off the zero-percent-apr balance. Which, results in you paying the entire balance anyways.

How to cancel a business deal

Problem:
Financial instution Q had a promotional offer on their card. But this promotional offer was not needed. But the original agreement did not allow for the termination of the benefits.


Solution:
When the users in the program has to apply for a new card, either due to loss of card (because the address change for the card is separate from the rest of the account). Simply force them to reapply under new terms and conditions.

Problem solved.
The user will not know what hit him until he reports that he didn't see the card in the mail (reporting it stolen). Then "You must reapply" appears on the screen.